Where Do We Begin
by spectre-alenko
Summary: "Where Do We Begin" focuses particularly on the events after Horizon & how Kaidan Alenko has attempted to move on with his life after the loss of Commander Gwen Shepard as well as Shepard's struggle to integrate into this new life that has been given to her. Rated T for language and implied sexual content, subject to change as story develops.
1. Chapter 1

The fires were growing faster than she was moving, Kaidan remembered. He didn't dare argue with Gwen Shepard's determined gaze as she attempted to extinguish what she could. These memories came back to Kaidan in what seemed like bits and pieces but they were all vivid. He could visualize her movements as she handed him an extinguisher and asserted that the rest of the crew needed to be evacuated and the way she walked to a nearby panel. She fumbled with wires and buttons as he faltered with his words, "Commander…"

She glanced down and time seemed to stop as she found her breath.

"Kaidan, go…" She looked back at him, her expression hidden behind the darkness of her helmet. He attempted to decipher her look and offer some kind of comfort behind his own helmet. "Now." If she could have seen his face at that second, he swore it would have broken her more.

Kaidan finally mustered up enough to utter, "Aye, aye," and gave her one last glance. He tried to take in everything about her in the second before he ran to the escape pods. Even as he waved the remaining crew onto the pod, he felt like he was doing something wrong. He should have said something more to her but there was always this unspoken understanding between the two of them. Without saying it, he knew that once she arrived with Joker, he would see her and wrap his arms around her without a second glance to see who was watching. He needed that.

As the last escape pod had begun to be open, Kaidan waited impatiently to see the familiar sight of the gray N7 armor that he had grown used to fastening for Shepard on several occasions. It had become one of the few ways the two could easily touch each other in front of the crew without raised eyebrows and threats of being court martialed. Moments went by and when Joker was assisted out of the pod, his averted gaze said it all. Kaidan was not unfamiliar with loss, but the shock that washed over him was like nothing he had ever experienced.

After all, just that morning he and Shepard had been sitting together on the chairs outside her quarters, sharing laughter and close conversation about past missions. The two eventually ended up tangled within the soft sheets of her bed together. Years later, he could remember how it felt to run his fingers up and down her back, sending shivers down her spine and trying to read her facial expressions. Her thin lips were pressed together in a hard line and her brow furrowed- even now Kaidan couldn't tell what thoughts had been raging inside her mind- _confusion? Focus? _He never could quite place it. Her blue eyes were searching his honey brown ones when he reached forward to touch a strand of her unruly black hair. She was beautiful, the kind that didn't even know it and, yet, could pull it off effortlessly. Finally he broke the silence, "I love you, Shepard."

He had put himself out there once more. He sucked in a breath, trying to gauge her reaction as she took her calloused hands and traced his jawline. These hands that were always moving, whether she was scrolling through documents on her datapad, typing reports out on her private console, or assembling her assault rifle had stopped on his cheeks. He kissed the side of her palm and she rested her thumb on his chin. He always loved the way she could look at a person and seem to be looking at _more_ than just them, but the potential underneath. It like she could literally see your secrets and how she could easily bring those feelings you didn't know you had out. Finally, she spoke,

"Kaidan…I…" She trailed off for a moment- the words left hanging in the air. Shepard opened her mouth to speak again but Kaidan shook his head. He held her hands, the pads of this thumbs running over her palms and then her knuckles.

"I-I get it. Too soon?" He had attempted to laugh it off a little, trying to disguise the layer of hurt underneath. It was then that Shepard had playfully batted at his chest.

"You didn't let me finish!" She laid down beside him, her head pressed against his chest and her hair splayed across. Kaidan could still remember exactly how it felt as Gwen laid there beside him, how her hair smelled faintly of some kind of flower that he couldn't quite place.

"I'm usually better with words than this and with telling people exactly what I think and feel. I mean, I can command squads and give speeches 'til I'm blue in the face but with you I feel like I…I just…" She was faltering and trying so hard to search for the right words. She sat straight up once more and looked at him in the eyes. "Growing up on ship after ship and living life mission after mission…I've always needed to be sure of things. I've needed strategy and tactics, and all that goes out the window when I'm with you. I mean, I'm a commanding officer and here I am!" She laughed and Kaidan wasn't sure whether or not to smile. Instead he interlocked his fingers with hers and gave her hand an assuring squeeze.

"What I'm trying to say is that you challenge me. You see more as more than just 'the Savior of the Citadel' and, even more, you…accept me and better me. I mean, we're always sneaking glances or kisses and I know that's not ideal by any means but you make me happy," Kaidan was grinning at this point and he still swears that Shepard's smile looked like she could rip a hole into the galaxy with her happiness if she wanted to. She laughed before finally saying, "So Lieutenant Kaidan Alenko, if you haven't already figured it out, I love you too." Before either of them could say anything more, they met in the middle sharing a kiss that still burned Kaidan's lips two years later.

That's what made losing her so hard. He had cut himself off from others, retreated into a shell. He attended the ceremonies and the memorial services- he was always asked to speak on the Commander and his fellow crew's behalf but it seemed too hard. He almost spoke at the last one but it was as if he were cementing the fact that it was done- Commander Gwen Shepard was dead. So, he couldn't bring himself to stay. Liara, Garrus, and Joker checked in on him from time to time- he almost turned Joker away just out of blame.

Eventually Kaidan had learned to stand on his two feet again. He went out for drinks at this nice sushi place with a doctor on the Citadel a few times. His friends had set him up, thinking it would be a good way to try to help the grieving process along. He reluctantly agreed and met up with her on a couple different occasions. The first night they talked about politics, about vids on the extranet that Kaidan had undoubtedly missed, but it was when she asked him about his life on the Normandy that he felt himself freeze. By the end of the night he had thought she was nice, polite- even easy on the eyes. But she wasn't Shepard. Then again, he reminded himself on the way home, no one would ever be like Shepard. So, he when she asked to go out for drinks again sometime soon, he had accepted her invitation. After all, Shepard wouldn't want him to wallow.

But the sight of Gwen Shepard standing in front of him on Horizon was a storm of overwhelming emotions. He had dreamed of seeing her again time after time and he just couldn't believe it was her. He had been hearing whispers in the Alliance that she was alive but he forced himself to shrug them all off, refusing to get his hopes up. But there she was. Seeing her tall frame, her blue eyes staring back into his once more…it was surreal. To able to wrap his arms around her and feel her breathing- _really_ breathing- almost took his own away. It was too much for him.

"It's been too long, Kaidan. How you've been?" She said it casually, like she hadn't seen him in two months- not proclaimed dead for two years. He had felt a trickling of rage set in. _Too long. Too long?_ _No message. No comms. Whispers-no, more than whispers- that she was alive and working with the private, human-supremacist group Cerberus, and yet nothing_. The rage boiled.

"Is that all you have to say? You show up after two years and just act like nothing happened. I thought we had something, Shepard. Something real. I…I loved you. Thinking you were dead tore me apart. How could you put me through that? Why didn't you try to contact me? Why didn't you let me know that you were alive?" The words were like ice and as soon as they left his mouth, he knew they stung. Loved. Past tense. He waited for her to respond, tried to gauge her reaction not unlike the last morning they had had together. Whatever she was feeling, she was doing an excellent job of covering it up.

"I'm sorry, Kaidan. I was clinically dead. It took two years to bring me back. So much time has passed. You've moved on. I don't want to reopen old wounds." He knew she was trying to fix this, trying to fix whatever damage she had already left in the wake of her death. He wanted to understand, he really did, but this was too much. It was too confusing.

"I did move on. At least, I thought I did…" The words poured of his own mouth like an unending flood. He really had thought he was moving on. What was it, he was constantly reminding himself? _She is never coming back. You need to leave the past behind. _Despite every inch of him that was dying to hold onto the only strands of what serving on the Normandy had left him with, what Shepard had left him with…it was the only thing he could do in order to ground himself in some way. Now his past was staring him in the face, alive and well, telling him that Cerberus had nothing to do with the missing colonies that he and the Alliance had been investigating.

Every attempt Shepard made to fix the situation made it seem worse to him. Memories flashed in his mind- the way her skin looked in the starlight the night before Ilos, her laughter as she spoke the words "I love you too" rang in his ears, how it felt to have her lay beside him, the burning of that kiss. Looking at this person in front of him, this shadow of a woman he had said he loved, and hearing her try to explain Cerberus made it difficult to believe it was the same person. The memories in his head were similar to his migraines, magnified. He needed to get away, so he turned to leave.

"I could use someone like you in my crew, Kaidan. It'll be just like old times." He could almost see the desperation in her eyes and hear the hope in her voice. The memories played in his mind once more, the fleeting moments of holding hands in the Mako or under the table at dinner, that moment they had almost kissed beside the lockers, "Bunk here tonight, Kaidan, with me." He pushed those memories aside; he felt broken. He did his best to avoid her eyes for the moment. He took a deep breath, knowing it would hurt both of them no matter what, and turned to face her one last time.

"No, it won't. I'll never work for Cerberus. Goodbye, Shepard. And be careful." As he walked away completely, leaving her and her team behind, he had to take deep breaths. He rounded a corner and found himself back on the side of the housing buildings. He knew that he had been cold and that Gwen was probably just as hurt and angry in her own way. But he really had meant it when he told her to be careful. He had already lost her once and if the woman that he fell in love with was still in there somewhere, he wanted her to be a survivor. His chest felt tight and he sunk down with his face in his hands. The colony was gone. Shepard was alive.

Garrus had linked him a direct email to Shepard's personal console not long after Horizon. The message was short and did not try to explain any his or Gwen's actions, which was admittedly better for him

I'll get straight to the point. I overheard her telling our yeoman that she misses you. She even keeps a photo of you on her desk, Kaidan. Anyway, I know things haven't been easy for you and that life has been ultimately turned upside down since you've seen her again…but you should talk to her. Despite what is going on, you both need each other. I think that if you talked to each other, it might help. Anyway, here's her private email for you to contact her. Just in case. Stay safe, Alenko. –Garrus

Days passed with the email sitting open on his datapad. Kaidan often glancing at it from time to time. _Should I?_ He would sit down at his console and think of reasons not to reach out to her. He could certainly think of plenty- the omission, the doubts, the betrayal that was still stinging. But his mind always went back to before- to the talks they had had, to the moment she had wrapped her arms around him in order to pull him away from the beacon, her strength and determination to take down Saren, the day she had chosen to save him over Ash, the night before Ilos, and the nights that followed. Kaidan was used to hardship since he was young but Shepard had always been that person who understood and made him feel normal. _Human_. He needed to think about it all some more.

The doctor called asking if they could meet for drinks again and his friends wasted no time trying to encourage him to go.

"You need to get out again, Alenko."  
"I thought you guys were getting along!"  
"It'll be good for you. You've been down since Horizon. You know it's not your fault the colonists disappeared, man. You did your best."

He knew there was some truth in their words but when he got back to his quarters, he found himself sitting in front of his console and canceling his date. With everything going on, getting drinks with her just didn't sit right at the moment. Kaidan finally pulled up a blank email and stared, trying to figure out what he should say. What _could _he say? _I'm sorry? I spent two years trying to stand on my own two feet again after losing someone I loved and people I cared about only to be knocked back down again? _He needed to tell her that whatever had happened between them wasn't over, that she had changed him. He wrestled with the ideas before finally going onto the extranet. He searched for Shepard, scrolling through her a few standard military photos of her and even some vids taken of her standing with him after they had fought to save the Citadel. She had elected to not speak to interviewers yet, knowing that people would be critical of her decision to save the Councilors, but she stood there in the background talking with Anderson and shaking his hand. She had such a strong presence, always appearing confident in the public eye.

"You don't always have to have it together all the time, y'know." He had told her once when she mentioned the horror of watching Saren push himself over the edge. She was sitting on her bed, her pale skin covered up with white sheets and her arms wrapped around her knees. He sat up in bed to wrap an arm around her, wanting to bring her closer to him.

"If I can't hold it together for everyone that's relying on me, who is going keep it together for me?" She covered it up with meek laughter but Kaidan felt a layer of insecurity underneath. He took this moment to rub her back, his calloused hands trying to knead away the tension. She looked over her shoulder at him, offering a small but forced smile.

"Shepard…we all have moments where we just need to get away for a while and just forget the weight that's resting on our shoulders and-" He wiped away a few tears that were slowly beginning to fall from her blue eyes. She was so beautiful, even now. "Everything is going to be fine- maybe not now, maybe not right away, but eventually- everything will okay. In the meantime, I'm here for you no matter what, Shepard." He kissed her gently and she returned the favor, smiling.

"What would I do without you, Lieutenant Alenko?" Her words were slightly muffled through his kisses. He smiled devilishly and kissed her once more.

"I'll tell you once and then again and again again…you'll never have to find out."

The memory of him pulling onto her back using his biotics and the way she squealed with laughter as he kissed her passionately filled him with this sense of sorrow. "No matter what," he had told her and he had repaid her with coldness and anger on Horizon. Garrus was right- if she was with Cerberus and trying to chase down the Collectors, she would need him one way or another. He needed to at least try and understand. He needed her- the woman he had fallen in love with, the woman who embodied strength yet struggled with her own demons…the woman who made him feel alive. Sighing, Kaidan looked at the blank computer screen and began to fill in the subject line and her email. He stared at the empty message and the blinking cursor as he ran a hand through his hair. He had promised her that he would be there for her. Finally his hands rested on the holo keyboard and he began to write, _Shepard. _


	2. Chapter 2

"Commander?" The voice echoed as Commander Gwen Shepard stood in the opening to her cabin, still dressed in her armor from the last mission. Becoming aware of EDI's voice echoing on the comm system in the small area, her head snapped up.

"Yes. Um- right. Sorry EDI, you were saying?" She rubbed a gloved hand over her temple and let out a short sigh. How long had she been just standing there? She took a moment to set her visor on her desk and begin the arduous task of removing the rest of her armor.

"Yeoman Chambers has offered to debrief you and is extending an invitation to speak with her on the subject on your last mission." Shepard froze, letting one of her boots hit the ground with a loud _thunk_.

"Tell her thanks, but I'm fine," She realized her voice was betraying her and added, "Really." She struggled to unclasp one of the latches on the back of her chest plate when she felt a pang of hurt in her chest. Kaidan used to help her with armor. At first it was out of politeness, possibly even mild flirtation the more Gwen had thought about it, but it later became a ritual for the two- just something to share. She sat down on the edge of her bed, removing her greaves and forgetting everything around her just for that moment.

"I am getting distress readings from your vitals within your remaining armor, Commander." EDI's voice was gentle as she interrupted Gwen's thoughts. Sighing, Shepard pulled her legs onto the bed and hugged them. Her chest plate felt cool against her bare legs; it was almost comforting.

"I just need some time to myself, EDI," Gwen was quiet, almost childlike. She picked her chin up off of her knees. "I'll talk to Kelly later. I promise. I just…I need some time."

"Understood, Commander." Gwen thought about saying thank you; she knew EDI and the rest of the crew were only concerned about her. Instead she sighed, finished removing the rest of her armor, and found herself curling up on top of her bed. She watched her fish go from each end of the tank to another until she couldn't help but think about Horizon. He had seemed so cold to her and she couldn't understand it. She didn't ask to be brought back and she certainly didn't ask to be brought back by Cerberus. Maybe she did feel like she owed them but she also knew they weren't wrong about the Collectors- what could she do?

Maybe she should've contacted him as soon as she was able. The thought had certainly crossed her mind more than once as soon as she got on the Normandy. If she could've, she would've shrugged off the mission and gone to him straight away but…it felt wrong. She couldn't just come rushing back into his life and expect everything to be okay no matter when she talked to him. She just knew that it should've been her to tell him- not intel that had been leaked to the Alliance. But still…too much time had passed and she wasn't even sure if it was possible that he still…loved her. Loved. He had said it on Horizon and he knew that she noticed. God that hurt. It took everything in her power to be strong and not let her emotions show on the colony, but he knew. He had to have known.

There was a knock on the door, soft. Short.

"Chambers, I'm sorry but I already told EDI and it's just not the time…"

"It's me, Shepard." Garrus. He had been there with her on Horizon, standing beside her and sharing support. Ever since she found him on the Citadel years ago he had become like a brother to her.

"Please just go, Garrus. I'm sorry but-"

"I'm not leaving, Shepard." She could already picture him leaning beside her door, legs crossed and his scarred face resting against the frame. He wasn't going to give up so easily- that was one of the reasons she liked him so much.

"Okay." The door opened and he strolled in, stopping beside her desk where her boots lay.

"You _are_ decent, right?" He covered his face quickly.

"No, Garrus. I'm just laying here waiting for the right turian to come and take me to bed." She rolled her eyes and forced a small laugh. Garrus settled himself onto her recliner and Shepard realized how she must look. Crumpled up on her bed, wearing a tank top and casual shorts that she had usually fitted underneath her armor. "Sorry. I guess I'm not exactly dressed to the nines." He held up his hands and shook his head.

"You're fine, Shepard. It got you to laugh, after all. I just wanted to talk."

"Yeah, you and everyone else," She muttered. "I don't really feel like talking though." Garrus cocked his head.

"Riiiight. Because that's not bullshit at all." There was silence between the two for a few moments before Garrus adjusted himself in his seat. "It's okay to feel small sometimes. I know you've heard something similar before." His voice was quiet and Shepard glanced over at him.

"He told you about that?" She mumbled as he moved from her chair to her bed and sat beside her. She didn't move- not yet.

"Kaidan is a good man. He understood the pressure you were under and has always been good at reading people," Gwen opened her mouth to object but Garrus shook his head. "Shepard you weren't there after….after you were gone. It broke all of us in different ways but…Kaidan? It decimated him. He was there but he wasn't present, y'know? You've been gone two years, Shepard. It has taken him this long to try to grasp onto some kind of normalcy and let go of the past that he had been straining to hold onto. He told himself daily that you were never going to come back and that was the only way he could keep going…and yet, here you are. Back again.

"More so, you're with Cerberus. Now I know you're going to want to argue more but if you were not heading this mission you know that I would not be here. Maybe if Kaidan's circumstances were different and he had more time…maybe he would be here too. But he has his own obligations with the Alliance…and with himself. He's been through hell and back, Shepard. Later, when more time has passed, he'll understand. He will. Some people just aren't Garrus Vakarian, y'know." He smiled and took a moment to squeeze her shoulder. Gwen squeezed his hand back.

"He said…he said he 'loved' me, Garrus." It came out like a whisper and Garrus sighed. Gwen slowly found herself setting a pillow down and laying down beside his lap. He rested a hand on her forehead and brushed aside black strands of hair covering her face. The picture of Kaidan could easily be seen even behind the case of ship models that Shepard desperately had been trying to regain.

"I'm not exactly a renowned expert on love, Shepard…but if I had to guess, you're not the only one carrying around a photo of a person you love from two years ago," Gwen looked up and mouthed 'thank you' before closing her eyes. "Good things are never easy to come by, are they Shepard?"

"Not in my experience," She was quiet for a few moments before she opened her eyes again, "There was this guy years ago…I thought he was the sun. God, I was so, so young and, despite the fact I had moved from station to station, I still thought something good could come of all of it. I tried _so_ hard and even after everything, I thought 'y'know, maybe this could still work. This could still be good.'"  
"Was it?"

"I enlisted immediately when I turned of age and I made excuses for myself. I said I would visit, that he meant everything to me, and that I hoped he would wait. I genuinely thought that when you loved a person that much, time just stopped and those feelings just…stayed. No matter where you were…" She trailed off and sighed. Garrus already knew what was coming.

"He didn't wait, did he?"  
"He said he spent his life waiting on people to come back, which I couldn't blame him for. We always knew that when one of our parents left, there was always _that _chance. He told me that he loved me, but that if I joined, he wouldn't follow. Follow…like he was this puppy dog or something," She laughed quietly.  
"Obviously you still joined the Alliance."  
"Well, yeah. I knew enough at the age of eighteen to know that if someone loved you that much, they wouldn't be able to stop themselves from wanting to be with me…even if that meant waiting from time to time. Someone you love wouldn't stand in your way and give you an ultimatum like 'pick me or pick a job you've always known you should do.' Fuck anyone who tries to stop you from doing something you love, something important," She grew quiet again. "I'm doing the right thing here on this Normandy, with this crew." It wasn't a question. Garrus adjusted himself so that he could stand up.

"You are, Shepard."  
"Doesn't mean that I wish for just that moment that he could have been the puppy dog, Garrus."

"It's like I said, Shepard. Give each other space. You've both been through a lot in such a short time." She nodded and began to wrap herself up in her blankets. He started to walk towards the door when spoke again.

"Thanks, Vakarian." He offered a small smile and began to walk back to the main battery. He had an email to send to Kaidan, but if he could just finish those calibrations.

The few days had passed and Shepard continued what she had set out to do. Her problems seemed miniscule with the threat of the Collectors looming overhead. Everyone was extremely supportive and only brought up the subject of Kaidan if Shepard had invited it first. Even Kelly Chambers had offered to talk about anything and everything with her almost daily.

"Hello Commander!" Her personality was so bubbly, it was almost annoyingly contagious to Shepard.

"Hey Kelly," Shepard opened her mouth to ask her how she was doing when Kelly suddenly piped up.  
"I saw the reports on Horizon, Commander and what you did was amazing. The report mentioned Kaidan Alenko was there. How did that go?" She was concerned still and no doubt just wanted to get her own debriefing done. _Just get it over with_, Gwen told herself. _Get it done_.

"We've been through a lot. I wish we could've had more time together."

"Do you have strong feelings for him?" _No shit. Oh that was rude._

"Kaidan's an incredible man. I didn't like saying goodbye."

"I'm sorry. Parting ways with someone so close is never easy."

"I appreciate that, but I'll be okay." She felt like pounding her head against the wall.

"Right. Anyway, let me know if there's anything I can do for you, Commander." Chambers had a forlorn look about her. It took Gwen a moment to realize that she _pitied _her. She felt anger for a moment before releasing her hands from the fists they had been tightly clenched in.

"Thanks, Kelly. I'll be okay, really." The poor girl was just trying to help in some small way. She was about to go find Joker on the bridge when Kelly's voice rang in her ears.

"There's a message waiting for you on your private terminal, Commander."  
"I'll look at it later, Chambers. Thank you."

"Um, permission to speak freely, Commander?"  
"When haven't you had permission? What's up?"

"I don't want to make you think I'm invading your privacy by any means. I just- I think you should check your messages." Shepard's brow furrowed and she crossed her arms.

"Have you been reading my messages?"

"Oh! No! No, of course not! I just- the emails usually go through this screening process anyway to get approved-"

"The other day I got an email about the size of my-" Kelly snorted before Gwen could finish.

"Well that was supposed to be a joke. Anyway, I just…I swear I don't read the actual messages- at least not me personally. I just…I happened to see the sender and the subject and I just think-" Her voice was traveling at a mile a minute; Shepard could barely keep up.

"Slow down, Chambers. What are you even talking about?" Kelly bit her lip and squeezed her elbow- her nervous tics.

"Kaidan's sent you a message." The words cut through Shepard like knife. _Kaidan._ He sent her a message. Kelly offered a small smile as Shepard stood frozen within her tracks.

"I'll read it in my cabin. Can you tell Joker that I'll come down later? I know he mentioned buying more food supplies for the crew on the Citadel, so I just- I need to...Can you just tell him for me?" Kelly nodded and shooed her towards the elevator.

The ride up to her cabin was almost unbearable. She hurried through the door and sat in front of her console, her fingers working quickly to get her emails. There, sitting on top of her received messages, was his name. _About Horizon. _She chewed nervously on her thumbnail before she finally brought the message up. She started to read slowly, trying to imagine him sitting in front of his own console somewhere in the galaxy, reciting each word aloud to himself. _Two years pulling myself back together_. She remembered the first afternoon she had seen Joker and had resisted hugging him out of fear of breaking a bone or two, but also out of the fact she wasn't sure how it was supposed to work. How could she just seamlessly transition herself from the dead to the living and just hope everyone would just understand. Joker had mentioned she "looked good for a dead woman" once and it was only then that it really sunk in that she had been gone once. People had mourned and there was a funeral. Her mother probably- oh, God, her mother. She was going to be so pissed. Happy- but piiiiissed. Her thoughts went back to Kaidan. Garrus's voice rang in her ears. _It broke all of us in different ways but…Kaidan? It decimated him._

She tried to imagine him finding out, mourning in secret. Garrus had told her once that they had to stop by his apartment and take care of him sometimes but she felt like he often candy-coated certain things so she wouldn't feel guilty. Kaidan mentioned a doctor on the Citadel in his message…had Garrus and the rest of the crew helped set that up for him? He said it wasn't serious but maybe it could've been. It wasn't fair for Shepard to barge in on and change everything like this, yet all she wanted was for him to come back to her. It's not like she could help what happened.

_Then I saw you, and everything pulled hard to port_…_Do you even remember that night before Ilos? That night meant everything to me... maybe it meant as much to you. _Of course she remembered Ilos. It was like their beginning, their start. They had flirted shamelessly before, but that night was the one that felt like their lives together were beginning. It led to other nights, to secret moments that Shepard recollected time and time again. He had told her that he was in love with her and for the first time since she was young, she felt brave enough to tell him the same. He wouldn't leave her and he promised her that. At the time, they shared the same dreams and she found solace in the fact that they were both looking in the same direction together. Now? He was right: a lot had changed in two years.

She stared at this last paragraph. _But please be careful. I've watched too many people close to me die - on Eden Prime, on Virmire, on Horizon, on the Normandy. I couldn't bear it if I lost you again. If you're still the woman I remember I know you'll find a way to stop these Collector attacks. But Cerberus is too dangerous to be trusted. Watch yourself. When things settle down a little…maybe…I don't know. Just take care. _She knew there was truth in his words- he cared enough to let her know he supported her in some small way. He might not be standing on the crew deck or charging into battle with her, but this was him trying. She respected that. She waited a few moments before she pulled her medium length bob into a short ponytail. She needed to think.

"Hey EDI, can you connect me with Garrus?"

"Of course, Commander." There was a brief pause and Garrus's voice boomed over the system.

"Shepard! Joker told me that you were treating us all to dinner on the Citadel!" She winced, realizing she had already forgotten.

"Right about that…"

"No dinner on the Citadel?"

"No- I mean, yes, we're still having dinner on the Citadel I just wanted to talk to you about something important."

"You filling out reports on the last few assignments?" He was accustomed to helping her with the reports, he didn't mind helping her out with some of the more remedial tasks as long as it gave her a clear head.

"Actually…no. He wrote me, Garrus." There was a brief silence.

"Hm. Son of a bitch, he actually did it."

"What?"

"Nothing. I just- do you need me up there or…?"

"Should I answer him?"

"I think you should be the one to make that decision, Shepard."

"I know. I want to. I just- I don't really know what to say," Garrus sighed. "I know, I know. I'm sorry! I've never been very good with this kind of stuff."

"Clearly I have a sign somewhere on my armor that reads 'turian expert on human relations' that I did not know about, but Shepard- just talk to him. You're the Savior of the Citadel, there's not much you can't do. Writing a letter back to Kaidan Alenko should be simple." Gwen nodded and found herself feeling a small pang of guilt. She wished Ash were here. Maybe she would understand more, maybe it would be simpler. Sighing, she glanced at Kaidan's letter again.

"Right. Thanks." In the last few days she had been telling herself that she survived Elysium, the Citadel…she could survive Kaidan Alenko. She knew that she could easily put on her war paint and do what needed to be done, yet she also knew that he made her better- that one complimented the other. He made her a better person, she made him a better soldier and vice versa. She fumbled with the dog tags that Liara had given back to her, twisting the chain around her hands and running her fingers over the embossed script. She pulled the holo keyboard up and began to work on a reply of some kind. She didn't know what to say.

_Kaidan,_

_I wish I knew the exact words to say to you, but I don't even know where to begin. I tried to tell myself that I could just easily transition myself back to where I left off, but I don't know how I thought that was even possible. Wishful thinking, I guess? You're right. Too much time has passed and I know nothing I can say will make up for any of the pain I inadvertently caused you._

_I don't know what caused you to do so, but I am so grateful that you've written me. I know this doesn't mean you've changed your mind about me completely, but I'd like to fix this. Somehow. I know you're not about to come aboard the Normandy and join me any time soon, but I hope when we both have down time, we could meet and talk. Just talk. No pressure. I think that would be good for us. _

_Garrus and Tali miss you…I miss you. And I haven't forgotten the night before Ilos…or any other time for that matter. Let me know if you want to talk sometime._

_Stay safe….please. _

_-Gwen Shepard_

She reread it one more, her eyes scanning the page until she held her breath. She pressed 'send' and stared at Kaidan's message one more time. She let out a deep breath and closed her eyes. The rest was left up to him.

"Hey Joker?"

"Commander?"

"They have a pizza place on the Citadel now, don't they?"

"You read my mind."

"Thought so."


	3. Chapter 3

Kaidan sat at the bar looking around nervously. He tried to look everywhere else but the door. Maybe this was a bad idea. There was absolutely no guarantee that he could take her at her word. This could all be some kind of ploy to get Alliance intel or worse. After all, even if she was just using them for their resources, she was still working with Cerberus. More so, he wasn't even sure what this meet-up was. Was it a date? Since he was on temporary shore leave, he chose to stay casual and forego his usual BDUs. Instead, he kept it simple with an old, wrinkled pair of khaki pants and a button up shirt that he had found in his bag. It felt strange to not be donning the Alliance insignia somewhere on him after all this time; he felt a little out of his element. He adjusted in the seat, feeling slightly uncomfortable. Maybe he was overdressed.

He felt himself turning to look at the door once more but forced himself to look down at the empty glass in front of him instead. He should just leave. He had a briefing tomorrow afternoon and then was leaving the Citadel by evening; he could just make an excuse.

"Here you go, buddy. On me." The turian bartender pushed a glass towards him and Kaidan nodded. He took a quick swig of the amber colored liquor and exhaled.

"Thanks. I'm just waiting for someone."Kaidan tapped his fingers on the glass, trying to keep himself from looking behind him again.

"Must be a pretty important person."

"She is, well- was. I'm just- I don't really…it's complicated." He fumbled with his words before sighing once more and took another drink.

"Black hair? Blue eyes? Furrowed brow like she could rip your throat out at any given moment, yet has a killer smile that could melt your heart? How about legs that go on for days?" The turian was staring at the doorway and Kaidan almost couldn't bring himself to look. He downed the rest of his liquor before turning around to see Commander Gwen Shepard standing in the doorway, wearing a little black dress. There she was.

The black material began with a stunning collar that accentuated her shoulders, neck, and her other remarkable assets. It was sleek and ended well before her knees. It took Kaidan a moment before realizing his mouth was gaping open and he quickly stood up to approach her. She had topped her ensemble off with a silver necklace, black heels, and a small black clutch within her hands that undoubtedly carried some kind of small pistol hidden away. He chuckled softly at the idea after all this time, that if she was still the Shepard he remembered, she was still the same. That Cerberus might not have taken that much away.

She walked with confidence, her strides long and filled with purpose. Kaidan loved that about her. It was like every movement she made she had been strategizing about for hours.

"Hi!" Her voice was bubbly- more than he remembered it ever being. She took a moment to grab her elbow, realizing she was too excited. "Sorry. I think it's the heels, I swear. Elysium and the Citadel look like a cakewalk compared to them. " She nervously wrapped an arm behind her and scratched her neck. Kaidan smiled at her and was hit with this awkward sense between them. He didn't know what to say, where to begin.

"So…."

"I'm overdressed, aren't I? I genuinely just wanted to wear what I'm used to but Miranda and Kasumi poked and prodded. 'You should wear this stuff more often!' or 'You take down husks and collectors for a living- you can conquer heels and a black dress from time to time!' Ugh. I'm sorry. All I thought we could do is go out to eat and talk for a while. Just talk." Her voice was calm but her arm movements were erratic. He could have sworn he heard her try to mimic some kind of accent in the middle of her rant.

"Dinner sounds good," He finally spat out. His voice was hoarse like he hadn't spoken in days. She gave him a smile before she finally began to walk with him out of the club. "Where were you thinking?"

"Well, I guess I don't really know where all the good places are. I mean, weeks ago I just found out there's a volus pizza parlor around here somewhere. Joker told me about it. Anyway, I heard about this great sushi place-"

"I don't think that's a good idea." He remembered the dates he had had with the doctor. Hushed voices, awkward silences, excellent food. He could see the outlines of hurt on her face before he stopped walking. "I mean, pizza sounds great, Shepard. Really." Shepard smiled at him and the two began walking towards the elevator.

Dinner was a strange moment for Kaidan, like an out-of-body experience almost. He was there walking around the Citadel wards with Shepard eating a slice of pizza, and arguing over the best pizza toppings. Yet, he was hovering above trying to keep in mind that he had to be careful. She was Cerberus. She might disappear again. This all seemed…temporary to him. He watched as she laughed using her whole body. One hand holding onto her half-eaten slice of pizza while the other held her shaking stomach. He took a bite of his own slice and made a mental note to just remember this. Temporary or not, this was as real as it was going to get for him.

"You've got a little bit of…here- let me," She laughed softly and reached for his face. He pulled away instinctively and Shepard's smile disappeared. "I'm sorry. I just-" She reached for a napkin from her small clutch and Kaidan caught a glint of metal within. He started to chuckle to himself as she held the small square of tissue paper out. Her brow furrowed in confusion.

"What?" His laughter began to grow. "What's so funny, Kaidan?" He quickly controlled his laughter and shook his head.

"Nothing- it's nothing. I'm just thinking. Go ahead," He leaned forward and she smiled as she began to wipe a small amount of sauce that remained by his mouth. Her fingers lingered a little too long as her thumb rested on the corner of his mouth. She started to lean forward and Kaidan felt panic and heat rise up. Before he could open his mouth, she stopped herself and pulled her hand instinctively to her elbow. Her hair had been pulled back in a small, loose bun all night and she tucked a loose strand behind her ear.

"I…I'm sorry." Shepard's words mumbled out quickly and Kaidan struggled with his words for a moment.

"It's okay. You're fine, Shepard." Kaidan looked away, silently wishing that this was just a speed bump they could get over with no problem. He looked back at her. She really did look beautiful tonight. Granted, she always looked beautiful whether she was the epitome of strength on the battlefield, sending shockwave blast after bullet or feeling small in a little black dress, fidgeting within her heels. "What else is on the agenda tonight?" He offered her a smile, trying to move on and salvage the awkward discomfort between them.

"Let's just go on a walk. Is that okay?" She waited to see some kind of reaction from him. He wiped his brow like she'd seen him do so many times before and he looked behind himself, like the answer would be hiding there. She could almost hear him questioning himself: _Should I? I should go home, get some sleep. I could get out of this. But…_ He finally nodded.

"Sure. Yeah, a walk sounds nice." He sounded sincere enough that Gwen felt a grin spread across her face. She found herself telling him all about her crew- how great it was it was to have Garrus and Tali back on the Normandy with her, and he pretended not to notice that her words faltered when she said it was almost like old times. Shepard talked about her new crew members, explaining how they were all so amazing in their own right.

"You let a tank-born krogan out of its cage?" He couldn't hide his disbelief.

"I know, right? It was incredible! He's such a powerhouse, Kaidan. I hope you can meet him some day. Oh- did you know Wrex is a leader of his own clan? You'd never believe what I did on Tuchanka…" She chattered on about being the second to take down a thresher maw during the krogan Rite of Passage and Kaidan couldn't help but take everything in. Even now as she talked about Garrus's mercenary group on Omega and how she felt like she was really making a difference in his ruthless attitude, she looked…lively. It was a strange way to put it but it was amazing how much she could accomplish in such a short amount of time. She was one of those women that could crush something with her bare hands yet have the grace of a swan the next moment.

"So, Staff Commander Alenko, huh?" She playfully batted his arm and he took a step away from her. "I just mean, I never got to really congratulate you. Anderson told me about your promotion. I'm really happy for you."

"Thanks." It took him a moment to realize they were standing by the docking bay of the Citadel and the Normandy was only a few feet away. "Looks like you've made it back." He motioned to the docking area and Shepard bit her lip.

"Would you…I mean…do you want to come aboard? Obviously not permanently, I just mean like for a minute or two…I could show you around and we could talk a bit more," She watched for a reaction and quickly tried to cover up her eagerness. She decided to look down at her feet, which were aching at this point, in order to avoid his rejection. "Unless you've got plans tonight or tomorrow morning. I don't want to keep from anything…or anyone." She glanced up and Kaidan sighed. She could see him doing the emotional math in his head.

"Shepard…I…" He scratched the back of his neck and watched as she moved effortlessly to the bay and input a code.

"Eh, fuck it." She mumbled and lifted each foot to take off the heels. She held them with two fingers and offered a smile as she leaned against the frame. In the moment she didn't say anything but she didn't really have to. Looking at her face, it was strange to think that a few months ago it didn't really exist except on some picture frame that he saluted. It was different. Her eyes were harder and Kaidan realized that whatever Cerberus did didn't just change her physically, but the fact that she had been through something she couldn't quite explain had changed her whole thought process. He noticed that the scar on her cheek he constantly ran his fingers over was gone and a small part of him felt like he had lost her all over again.

"You okay?" Her voice was soft and he hadn't realized that she was standing in the docking area. He swallowed. "You don't have to come, Kaidan. I get it. It's a lot." Her smile was small and she readjusted the heels.

"Five minutes, Shepard. That's it." He joined her in the decontamination part and he couldn't help but find the grin on her face infectious.

"That's all I need." She quickly showed him the bridge, making sure to point out that Joker was in love with the comfy leather seats, and walked him past the CIC. She talked about her Yeoman, who was apparently a psychological profiler and all-around girly girl.

"Armory or lab? Oh who am I kidding, you need to see the armory." She walked him around the area, making sure to point out weapon mods for her favorite assault rifle. He didn't say much, it was too unreal for him to just be aboard the Normandy…or whatever this shell of the real thing was. This ship was a reminder of all the moments Shepard and him had and didn't have.

She led him to the elevator and as they went from floor to floor, she began to rant about the lack of stairs.

"I took those for granted, let me tell you." She muttered.

"So, where is everyone?" Kaidan asked, realizing that every single room she'd shown him had been absent of crew members.

"I gave them temporary leave for the day. We're….well, obviously we have a mission."

"The kind of mission where you enjoy a day without reports and calibrations?"

"Ugh fuck yes." She laughed and the elevator pulled to a stop. The doors opened and Kaidan waited for his tour guide to explain the second door in front of them. "This is my new cabin." There was an awkward silence between the two before she hit the green light and entered. He stood frozen for a moments and took a deep breath. They were just talking, he reminded himself. He entered the room and became mesmerized by the grandeur of it all- the fish tank was filled with exotic ones he couldn't even name and it lit the room completely. Her desk was cluttered with multiple datapads, a cup of coffee, and…there it was, a small photo of himself that sat beside one of her medals.

He smiled and looked up at the multitude of her model ship collection, admiring each one. He had given her first one not long after the Saren had been defeated- a small model of the Normandy SR1. Even now he could remember her face as she pulled the tissue paper out of the box and revealed the small ship. Her blue eyes grew in incredulity and she almost squealed.

"This is for me? Where'd you get this? Who even makes these!?" The words came out in one sentence as she had wrapped her arms around his neck and planted a kiss on his cheek. He had had it specially made for her and the fact that it no doubt went down in the wreckage of the first ship made him look over at her. She was leaning beside her fish tank, watching him.

"I looked for it," She explained. Her voice reeked of sadness as she set her heels on the floor and shook her head. "I recovered as much as possible but…" She sighed and looked away for a few moments.

"It's a pretty good collection, Shepard." He crossed the room and examined each fish. She sighed and pulled the band holding what was left of her messy bun out, allowing her hair to fall over her shoulders.

"Listen, you got promoted and you're talking to me again- I think that calls for a celebration of some kind. Dr. Chakwas has got a bottle of Serrice Ice Brandy hidden in the med bay and I think this calls for occasion to open it again. Oh, are you hungry again? I restocked the mess with new provisions. Gardner's got some pre-cooked things laying around. I'll be right back." Before Kaidan could object, she was gone.

Sighing he walked through her room. Her bed was actually made- something she would actively avoid. There was a second desk on the right side of the room and something caught his eye; her N7 helmet. He approached slowly, reaching his hand out and examining each marking. It wasn't burnt, not really…but it'd certainly been through hell. He lifted it up and inspected the inside to see a small chip left intact. The communication chip. If he wasn't staring directly at it, he wouldn't have believed it himself. Fumbling with it, he attempted to remove it carefully. He glanced back at the door; Shepard wasn't back yet. It would take her at least a few minutes more to take the elevator down a floor…or was it two- god, he should've paid more attention to the tour.

It wouldn't take long to recover the audio files as long as they were relatively undamaged and hadn't been tampered with. His omni-tool flickered to life and began to provide analysis of the chip. Moderately undamaged. Decrypting the audio files would be like a walk in the park. He glanced back at the door- no sign of Shepard yet. As the omni-tool pinged in completion, Kaidan hesitated. Her last words could be on here- probably _were _on here, if the file was completely intact. His fingers hovered over the play button. Once he heard it, there would be no going back. He needed to hear it, he needed to hear _her. _Before the wreck. He closed his eyes and quickly braced himself for impact. There was static until he could make out her voice,

"Joker, we have to get out of here."

"No! I won't abandon the Normandy! I can still save her!" So much desperation.

"The Normandy is lost. Going down with the ship won't change that." She was calm, forceful. Joker needed to hear it in order to leave.

"Yeah, okay. Help me up." More static, heavy breathing. Suddenly a shout, "They're coming for another attack! Ow! Watch the arm!" Static as the two must've stumbled to the escape pod. Kaidan waited for something, anything.

"Commander! Shepard!" Joker's shout rang out in the static and for a moment, Kaidan felt his heart stop. Where was Gwen? The silence was unbearable. Suddenly he heard faint breathing among the sound waves.

"Joker? I think I'm okay…I- oh shit. No, no, no, no, no, no, no," Her breathing quickened. She was struggling and Kaidan could almost feel it in his chest. "This is not happening. Kaidan? No, no, no, no." The breaths eventually became uneven and staggered until there was only static. Whatever hurt he had felt when he saw Joker get out of the escape pod by himself was multiplied now. Unconsciously he wiped tears from his eyes. She had asked for him, said his name even then. He turned for a moment to return the chip and saw Gwen standing in the doorway, bottle of brandy hanging limply at her side.

"Shepard…Gwen- I..." Kaidan cursed himself. This was a mistake. Her breaths were shallow, her chest heaving with each one. "Are you alright?" She put the bottle on the corner of her desk and grabbed onto it.

"I've never heard-I don't remember... I can't…I can't…" She clasped a hand to her chest and Kaidan approached her. She batted his hands away. "I can't breathe!" She forced out and her breathing was panicked. Tears welled up in her eyes and she pushed him. He wasn't sure what to do.

"Should….should I leave?" He finally asked. Shepard's breaths were ragged and he sat down on her couch. Eventually she sat next to him, but she was struggling to regain control. "Try counting." He offered. She shook her head, refusing to take his advice. She was always stubborn. He needed to change his approach.

"Okay then…just listen. After everything that went down with Rahna and Vyrnnus at BAat, I knew I had to keep control of myself. I started to count whenever I felt like I was losing control even in the slightest. At first I was just kind of humoring my dad," He laughed and scratched the back of his neck, "but it actually became pretty soothing. Finding comfort in small things, y'know." It took Shepard a moment to realize her breaths had become a little more even and placed one of her hands on his knee for support. He opened his mouth to object, but instead stared at the grooves of her hand. He recognized each curve, every line. Even some of her nails were growing after all this time of always chewing on them. He resisted the urge to take her hand in his as she closed her eyes.

"One…" She took a breath. "Two…" Kaidan offered her a smile and she swallowed, "Three." She looked up at him, her eyes meeting his.

"Better?" He asked, raising an eyebrow smugly. She was quiet for a few moment, searching his face. Now that she was up close to him, in two years he didn't look too different. Maybe a few more worry lines, perhaps a faint shadow of stubble on his chin. She had always been mesmerized by his jawline though. That, and the way his sleeves accentuated his muscles. The way his calloused hands could manipulate her into just the right positions. She missed him. The way his lips felt after a long day of being out in the Mako with Garrus and Wrex, or worse with Kaidan there with her. The way his fingers brushed against her as he clasped her armor plating together and gave her a quick, secret smile as he turned for her to "check" his.

She turned on the couch, pulling her legs up underneath her, and touched his cheek. Slowly, gently. She hoped like hell he wouldn't pull away, wouldn't run. Her thumb ran over his sideburn, traced the outline of his jaw until she stopped at his chin. He didn't flinch at her touch, something that caused Gwen to smile. Her hands were still soft on his cheeks, not yet overworked and rough like they used to be. But they were still hers. He reached to meet her hands, feel them for himself. His fingers interlocked with hers and he ran his thumb over each knuckle. It was strange. It wasn't necessarily like she was introducing herself to him all over again, but more like she was coming home to him and vice versa.

Her black hair was so much longer than he remembered now that he was really paying attention. Mustering the courage in himself, he reached for a strand and brushed his hands against her cheek. Temporary, he tried to remind himself. This was only temporary but here she was sitting beside him and it had been such a long time. Her face- her beautiful face- in his hands and she was so close that it felt like gravity was pulling them together. He tried to think of reasons to leave, knowing that he still had his doubts about her and Cerberus but all he could do was bring his lips to hers.

His minds swirled with thoughts of how her lips hadn't changed, how her hands felt when she ran her fingers through his hair. He thought of her voice on that recording. The desperation, the fear that lay under the layers of calm, cool and collected Commander Gwen Shepard. He loved every part of her, even the parts he didn't trust yet and she understood that right now. She kissed him back, matching his own desperation and need. One of his hands fit tightly on the small of her back, bringing her even closer, while the other remained on her face. He was holding on for dear life, afraid that if he let go she would disappear into thin air. It took a moment before she pulled away and looked straight into his amber eyes. He fought to rejoin his lips to hers but she grabbed a hold of his hand, the pads of his thumb still tracing her cheek.

"Hey- hey, hey…I'm right here," She whispered, giving him a smile that he swore was reserved for him. "I'm not going anywhere." She kissed the side of his hand gently then moved to his lips. This time he pulled away.

"You can't promise me that, Shepard." His voice hoarse. He couldn't do this again, lie to himself that she would come back, or worse…have to be honest that she wouldn't. Gwen bit her lip, nodding to herself.

"I know," She settled herself into the crook his arm like she belonged there. "But I can promise you that no matter where I go, I will fight to come back. For this. For you, Kaidan. If you can't or don't want to wait, I get it. It's not fair of me to ask you to, so I won't. I just need you to know that no matter where I am in the galaxy, I love you. So much. I will love you until I'm stardust and probably long after." Her voice was dripping with emotion, Kaidan watched her like she was speaking to her crew, preparing them for battle. She reached to squeeze his hand, hoping he would answer. Finally he leaned forward, planting a kiss on her lips that left her wanting more. He pulled away, getting up from the couch to leave.

"I have…never…stopped caring about you, Shepard. Never. I don't know where this whole thing with Cerberus will take you, but I need you to stay safe. I meant it when I said that when I thought of losing you that I couldn't stand it before. I can't do that again. I need…I can't…." He sighed, trying to think of the right words. "You're a smart woman- a smart soldier. Whatever you're going to do…I know you might not come back. I'm not stupid. You have the same look on your face that you did when we went after Saren. Maybe when…if you come back, we can spend more time trying to figure out what _this_ is and how we can move on from it. But I can't lie to myself about our future any more than you can." She reached for his hands, holding onto one of them like they were a lifesaver.

"I won't ask you to do that. I know what might happen when we go through that relay. I have run through every scenario constantly trying to make sure my ship will survive, trying to make sure I don't lose a single damn crew member on this vessel. I know the chances of the collectors killing me before I make it halfway into their base. Don't act like I don't know what's at stake here. More colonies. Reapers? Humanity? The galaxy? It doesn't stop just because I make it through a relay alive, Kaidan. There will always be a bad guy and somehow I don't doubt that if I survive this, someone in the world will need me whether it be Alliance or the world or you. It's like you said before Ilos- the galaxy keeps on going, the reapers will keep coming, but we are important."

He wasn't used to her anger; it caught him by surprise. Her hand stayed locked with his until she finally let go to wipe her face.

"Don't, Shepard." It came out harsher than he'd meant.

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean…well, I kind of did, but I didn't mean for how it came out. Everything is happening at once and I know everything is always so uncertain with us. Just once I wish it could be simple like boy meets girl, girl and boy save each other, end up married in Canada just being happy. I can only hope that one day we'll be that lucky. What I'm trying to say is that I wish you would stay. I completely understand if you want to walk out of this room, leave the Normandy behind and pretend we never met up tonight. However, I'd be lying if I said I didn't want you to stay here with me for a while longer. Again- no pressure, just the pleasure of your company." Gwen smiled, her face inquisitively trying to watch his decision-making process. Finally he sat back down, allowing Gwen to lay down until her head was on his chest.

"Thank you," It came out no more than a whisper. "I'm not keeping you from anything, am I? I mean, you don't have a mission coming up or…plans with someone?" Kaidan rolled his eyes, chuckling at the idea that Shepard was at heart trying to get bits of information from him.

"There's nobody else, if that's what you're asking," Shepard playfully batted at his arm. "But I'm leaving tomorrow evening for an assignment." She took a moment to wrap the arm she batted around her.

"I know you're not going to tell me what it is."

"Well, you'd be right about that."

"But will you promise to be careful?" She glanced up at him, her face painted with concern. He squeezed her gently and kissed her forehead.

"Mmm." She kissed his cheek in thanks and snuggled up deeper into chest.

"Tell me if you need me to move," She murmured, her eyes fluttering close. Her hand searched his until they were intertwined once more. "I love you." This was the most at-peace he had seen her all night since she kicked off her high heels. Sighing, he adjusted his position on the couch until they were both laying together, her head resting near his chest once more. Kaidan spent the night with Shepard asleep on his chest, smelling of the same unidentified soap that used to make his head spin. It may be temporary but she was right about this mattering.

"Canada, huh?" He whispered as he ran a hand through her hair. She might have meant it as an offhanded joke but the more Kaidan thought about her standing on his balcony facing the waterfront, the more he hoped she would stay alive long enough to see it.


	4. Chapter 4

Shepard tapped her thigh lightly as the elevator made its descent to the hangar. It crept silently until it came to a stop and Miranda and Kasumi exited the small area, talking in hushed voices. She waved them off, trying to be kind but she needed this too much for her to really be paying attention. More than anything, she hoped that no one would be hanging out in the hangar deck but luck hadn't always been on Gwen Shepard's side, especially since her crew had been taken the Collectors. By the time she exited the elevator and crossed the empty deck, she felt like unleashing hell on the wall. The Collectors. She crossed the room, trying to make her way to the farthest corner where she escaped to.

There was a punching bag- a gift sent to her from Anderson after she had returned. She favored the one on base. Using her biotics came easily to her, but hitting that bag and feeling the contact of skin against material gave her this odd comfort. It helped that Anderson understood that about her. Not to mention that ever since she had lost her father, Anderson has easily become a sort of surrogate figure to her. Her folks had always been close friends with Anderson for as long as she could remember.

When she first told her parents that she was enlisted and they expressed reluctance in the decision, it was Anderson who talked with Gwen about her decision to join the Alliance. It was Anderson who gave a wink in her direction as he said they'd warm up to the idea. It was Anderson who offered congratulations after she graduated at the top of the N7 program and came to the ship she was serving on to break the news about her father. She had always had an…interesting relationship with her parents to say the least, but there was something about Anderson that always made him a fourth member of the Shepard family to Gwen. When she reported back to the Normandy after a long visit to the Citadel and found the punching bag waiting for her in the hangar, she made a mental note to send a hefty thank you message to him. He understood.

Despite the fact that the punching bag was still relatively new, there were a few areas that had been broken in already and some unfortunate wear and tear in areas where Shepard had lost control of her biotics. That didn't happen often, but when it did…there was a trail of destruction left. She ran her fingers over the material, feeling the ripped threads catch underneath them. She glanced around the empty room, remembering that the last time she came down here there were at least three or four that hung around just logging away inventory and chattering amongst themselves. She could see their faces glancing over at her and giving nods and saluting but she couldn't think of their names. Why couldn't she remember? Her hands fumbled in her pockets until she dug out a pair of ear buds. Jack had suggested getting a pair to her, saying there was a way to sync them to her private terminal and play any audio file she wanted. She fit each one in her ear carefully and pressed the middle, allowing the dulcet tones to fill every crack. The music was slow and then gained speed; she could almost feel the curves in the music as they bent and went every which in her ears.

Smirking, she formed each hand into a tight fist and got into fighting stance. No gloves, she told herself, not this time. She began to throw punch after punch, hitting the bag with ferocity. Jab, hook, then, dropping her weight low enough to pivot around, she threw her left arm and hip upwards. Guitars wailed in her ears and Gwen Shepard felt sweat beading around her forehead. Her hair that had been in a tight ponytail now had loose strands sticking to her face. Every time she landed a punch, a face appeared in her head. Chambers. Chakwas. Gardner. Countless others. The force behind each punch strengthened as each blow hit the battered material. She had always been told to harness her anger, to not go about seeking revenge, but to find justice. Joker had told her about them dragging Kelly to the elevator, how he could hear her screaming and how he couldn't do anything to stop it. How he watched Chakwas being taken and could do nothing but keep moving. She couldn't blame him. She'd seen enough loss and pain to know that you just couldn't stop everything.

She punched the bag harder, her breathing ragged.

"Go back and get the Lieutenant. You know it's the right call, LT." Ash's voice still rang in her ears. Each punch landed with more force behind them. Chakwas' raised eyebrow as Gwen had nonchalantly asked for more information on Kaidan- her attempt at being smooth. Kelly's peppy voice bouncing around, "You need anything, Commander?" Rupert handing her a bowl of soup he had made especially for her after Horizon, the way he had patted her shoulder quickly and disappeared. She let her biotics flare, the blue light orbiting her arm and the smell of Eezo filling her nostrils. She held back, allowing the biotic punch to swing the bag around violently after her fist connected with it. Bending down, she held onto her knees and tried to steady her breathing. She focused on the bag swinging, watching it with a hypnotic gaze. One. The way Kaidan had kissed her in her cabin, hungry and filled with desperation. Two. The way he had held her that night, letting her fall asleep on his chest as she took in the familiar comfort of his smell and the sound of his heart beating. Three. The broken look in his eyes as he kissed her hands and said goodbye to her.

She glanced up at the punching bag, which was now slowing to a stop. Soon they would be heading through the Omega-4 Relay and she would not hold back. She stared at the tears in the punching bag, the filling inside almost spilling out. The music in her ears echoed as she sat down on the cool, metal floor.

"You can't promise me that." Kaidan had told her. She wanted to argue with him but she knew he was right. She couldn't promise that she'd return any more than she could promise that Chambers, Chakwas, Gardner, and the rest of the crew would. She promised them that she would lead them to the best of her abilities and she was going to fight like hell to get them all back on the Normandy. She stood up and turned to leave before glancing back once more at the battered punching bag. She powered up her biotics, letting the feeling radiate all over her body. She pivoted and let loose a biotic kick on the bag. As her foot came in contact with the bag, it spun wildly before Gwen recharged and let her fist come down hard on it, causing the bag to disconnect and land feet away. She wasn't going to give up on her crew, on the galaxy, on Kaidan this easily. She would come back from this…and she didn't mean from just the mission.

Upstairs in her cabin, Shepard stared at Kaidan's photo. She ran her fingers over the holo image and tried to remember what it was like to touch him again. How his hands felt when his fingers brushed up against her face, her hands, her neck. She tried to forget the harsh words on Horizon but she knew that even though he had apologized, those words still ran within a layer underneath the surface. He looked so serious in the photo, it was strange to think that it was the same man who had joked with her in the quiet of her cabin. She needed to talk to him once more before she left, to see his face. Just one more time.

She pulled up the program on her omni-tool, fumbling with its controls.

"EDI, is there any way to track down Staff Commander Kaidan Alenko's long distance vid-com channel?"

"One moment, Commander," Shepard waited, ready to input any kind of command code. "There are a dozen security systems keeping me from contacting Staff Commander Alenko, m'aam." Shepard settled on her couch, wiping the leftover sweat from her forehead.

"Well, Kaidan's good at covering his tracks, but it's nothing you can't handle. Do what you need to, EDI."

"Of course, Commander." Shifting uncomfortably, Gwen brought up the screen until she could see video static appear before her. She waited for the image to get clearer until caught a glimpse of movement in the grains before disappearing completely.

"What happened, EDI?" Gwen began to frantically run diagnostics on her omni-tool.

"There is a lot of interference with our communication system, Commander. The connection has been lost."

"Can we get it back somehow?" Shepard tried to reenter command codes and realized EDI had been silent, "EDI?"

"The connection is extremely weak, Commander, I-" Shepard allowed her omni-tool to power down and sighed.

"I understand," She approached her desk and looked over at his photo once more. "Thanks for trying, EDI." She stared at his picture once more, trying to make sense of all her overwhelming emotions. He hadn't sent her anything since the two said goodbye after their evening together. Maybe it was better that way…easier almost. She pushed her chair out, ready to attempt a power nap before going through the Omega-4 relay when her console pinged. She froze. It could easily just be a private message from Anderson; she'd messaged him earlier in the day to inform him of the crew being abducted by the Collectors and their plans to assault the Collector base and perform a rescue mission. She could use a word of encouragement or two. Instead the screen read, Incoming transmission from K. Alenko. She hurriedly synced her omni-tool in one swift movement and opened the vid-com.

"Shepard? Gwen, is that you?" The connection was weak, the video was grainy and the sound was coming in and out. She could almost cry at the sight of Kaidan on her omni-tool.

"Kaidan! Hi- yeah, it's me! It's me." The words tumbled out of her mouth quickly; she couldn't get them out fast enough. She watched his concentrated movements on her screen, his brow furrowed. He could barely see her on his own screen. He quickly input a few commands before the image cleared up a little more.

"Hey- there you are! I….Shepard, it's good to see you." She looked calm but her black hair was a mess around her. It was falling out of a loose ponytail and strands framed her oval face. She bit her lip and tucked some stragglers behind her ear.

"Hey Kaidan…I wanted to talk a little more before…" She trailed off and he watched as she made herself comfortable on her bed. "I just wanted to make sure we were okay." It wasn't a question. It didn't have the air of discomfort about it. It was Kaidan's turn to shift uncomfortably in his seat.

"Shepard…this is really complicated. Especially after everything from the other night, I just-"

"I know that and I get it. Everything that's happened isn't some forgive and forget kind of thing, we'll work at it. I just…I need to know if we'll fix this." She motioned between the two of them. He was quiet, trying to choose his words carefully. They would either be her saving grace or daggers.

"I can't promise anything," He remembered the coffin. The way he had unconsciously fallen to his knees when Joker was helped from his escape pod. Talking to therapist after therapist who constantly told him what he didn't want to hear- Shepard was dead and there was no bringing her back. Seeing her on Horizon and questioning her every word. He avoided her gaze. "A lot has happened." She nodded.

"I can't…I know you don't completely understand me working with Cerberus. I know…I know you still don't trust me. I can't and won't try to convince you that you're wrong anymore, but I need you to know that I-" She stopped and he could see her looking away. Shepard choked back a sob. She wasn't going to cry. Not now. She looked back at him, "I've cared about you for so long and I know we've talked a little about what I'm about to do… I need you to know that I love you and that that still hasn't changed." She waited for a reaction, but the image was too grainy for her to decipher anything.

"Shepard…Gwen…maybe after all this is over, we can talk more. I've been put on an assignment and if it goes well, I can take a short leave afterwards to visit with my parents. Maybe you-"

"Kaidan, I might not get a next time." Her voice was low.

"Then I guess you'd better make this assault count."

"I lost…everyone, Kaidan." She bit her lip to stop it from quivering. She looked away from him, knowing she couldn't face him if he was about to strike back.

"Everyone?"

"The crew, yes. I lost them. All I have are my squad mates and Joker. The Collectors came when we weren't expecting it and they took everyone- Chakwas, Gardner, Kelly….they took them all."

"Shepard…it'll be okay." She looked back at him, his face somber. In a way, they had both lost the colony on Horizon. He understood. She hoped that he understood that these were good people. They didn't deserve whatever the Collectors were going to do them. They didn't deserve any of it.

"Kaidan, these people…they're counting on me. They…oh, God…they trusted me." Her voice trembled at the idea of Chakwas being kept in a pod somewhere. "What if I can't save them? We're almost to the relay and what if we can even survive that?"

"Joker is the best pilot…and your people will make it. You will make it." He stammered over his words and Shepard found herself looking outside at the stars passing back.

"Y'know when I was out there….freefalling in the sky…I don't remember much about it all, but I remember thinking about how damn beautiful this world is. I've spent my entire life looking out of windows like these and seeing so many planets in the distance, it's…amazing. Everything is so scary and far apart but, in the middle….there's so much damn beauty, Kaidan. Maybe I'm trying to forget parts of what happened to me because it's too painful, but even when I was thinking about us out there, I couldn't help but see how small we were. In comparison to the galaxy. I know that's such a huge cliché, but it's so true. The two of us hiding our relationship before seems so small now. I can't imagine what it was like for you after I was gone." She studied his face for a few moments; his expression seemed to soften.

"Shepard, you don't-"

"No, I do. I am so sorry for the damage I left behind and I know there are no words that could make up for the hole I left, but I'm going to try to fix things between us. I know the last few times we've seen each other, it's left us both feeling really conflicted but I want us to at least be friends again. I mean, I'd be lying if I said I didn't want to be more than that…but baby steps, right?" He watched a small grin spread across her face. She certainly knew how to hook him in all the right ways. He thought of the kiss they'd shared that night after they met on the Citadel. Baby steps, he laughed.

"I missed that," Shepard murmured. She pulled the band holding her hair up out and allowed the long locks to fall over her shoulders. It was hard not to be distracted by her.

"What?" He swallowed.

"Your laugh." Nostalgia was dripping out of her voice. "Tell me something you did today," She watched his calm expression change, his mouth forming a hard line. She rolled her eyes, "I mean something simple- like brushing your teeth, exercising your biotics, reading…whatever."

"Brushing your teeth, Shepard? Really?" He lifted an eyebrow.  
"You know what I mean, you dork." She settled in her bed more, laying on her side and letting it feel like he was there with her. He wrestled with the thought of her being beside him again, feeling her skin against his.

"I did some training today. I've been working on my biotics a lot more, trying to perfect them, trying to pick up new techniques." She laughed for a moment and his expression changed to hurt.

"Sorry, it's just- it's funny. Two years and you still haven't really changed- always striving to be the best." Kaidan raised an eyebrow.

"If I recall, there was a woman I know who used to have competitions with Wrex about the farthest the two could throw an enemy." Gwen had almost forgotten. She smiled at the memory, remembering Kaidan had sat in the Mako rolling his eyes.

"Hey now, I totally won that fair and square. If I remember correctly, there was a certain sentinel that chose to…how did he put it? 'Not to partake in such childish acts of violence?' Probably because he knew he didn't stand a chance against his CO." Shepard laughed, watching his face soften in the grainy image.

"Or maybe because he wanted the woman he was interested in to live in the illusion that she was a better biotic." It was Shepard's turn to raise an eyebrow and release a devilish grin. Kaidan smirked back but was suddenly greeted to sharp, severe pain. He winced and carefully massaged his temples. He fumbled around the room for a small bottle before popping a couple capsuled pills into his mouth. Gwen remembered the night he had had such a terrible migraine she let him lay his head in her lap until he drifted off to sleep. She ran her fingers through his hair, massaged his temples, and lightly traced his back until the pain had subsided.

"You okay, Kaidan?" She spoke carefully, hoping she wouldn't disturb him. He winced from the pain once more before giving a reluctant nod.

"It'll pass." He muttered. There was an odd silence between the two of them. Shepard opened her mouth to speak frequently, to tell him she was scared about the upcoming assault, to tell him that that wouldn't stop her from trying her damndest to come back. Each time she started to talk, she couldn't get past the silence that seemed to distance them even more. Kaidan had been holding his forehead in his free hand for some time before he peeked a look at Shepard between his fingers. Her eyes were closed, her black bangs falling onto her face. She was quiet, her breathing barely audible.

"Shepard?" She didn't stir. He watched her chest rise and fall until he rubbed his forehead. He didn't know what to tell her. He'd been in relationships before but, with her, he felt like he was consistently wading into uncharted territory. She shifted in her sleep and mumbled softly. He couldn't understand her.

"Be safe, Shepard." He thought of her skin, her hair, her lips, and her hands before he finally forced himself to shut down the com. She was a survivor. More than that, she had determination and skill. She may not always recognize it in herself, but if anyone was going to talk a trip into hell and make it back…it would be her. It was always her.

* * *

Shepard opened the next vent and ran to the door. It wouldn't open. No-nononono. She fumbled around before trying to reach Miranda on the comm system.

"Come in!" There was panic hidden underneath layers of her voice. In her ears all she could hear was gunfire and Miranda shouting commands.

"Look out- seeker swarms!" Shepard hid behind cover, glancing over at Garrus and Jack. If the two were worried, they weren't showing it.

"Harbinger!" Jack yelled, throwing a biotic blast in the Collector's direction. Shepard stood to unleash a shockwave in its direction along with a heat sink right between its set of eyes.

"Niiiiiice!" Garrus shouted with glee. The three continued to defend the doors. Time was running out.

"Miranda? We're in position! We need this door open now!" She could hear Miranda shout commands. The door didn't move. Garrus cast a worried look at Shepard. What was going on?

"-stuck!" She could make out Tali's voice somewhere in the mess. Shepard dodged a bullet and tried to catch her balance.

"Mir-" Finally, the doors burst open.

"Got it!" Tali shouted as Jack made a break for the opening. Garrus glanced back at Gwen, his gun fixed on Collectors entering from the distance.

"Go! GO!" She waved him on, firing one bullet after another. She attempted to keep a barrier up with a free hand but shooting at the hip was doing nothing for her.

"Here they come!" She shouted, moving back towards the door. Shepard didn't let her finger off the trigger. Tali worked tirelessly to get the door closed. Everything was happening so quickly Gwen could barely

"Fall back!" She shouted. Shepard couldn't keep track- did everyone make it?

"Suppressing fire- hold the door!" Miranda commanded. Jack chuckled as she threw a Collector back to the other side of the room with a simple flick of her wrist. Each one of them stood together, shoulder to shoulder, guns firing as Collector after Collector fell to the ground. Finally the doors slammed together, separating them from the approaching enemies.

"Nice work, Tali," Gwen took a moment to collect her breath, "I knew you wouldn't let me down." She shot a quick smile in Tali's direction and quickly squeezed her shoulder. Before she could assess the situation, she felt a hand on her own shoulder.

"Shepard, you need to see this." Miranda was calm, her voice even. Gwen looked around the large room, taking in the entirety of the space.

"Shep…" Kasumi's voice was quiet, in awe of what was surrounding them. Pods. Hundreds...no-probably thousands. Shepard looked back at Garrus, who had an indiscernible look about him. He gripped his rifle tightly and gave a small shrug. Murmurs fell over Shepard's squad as they looked around them.

"Looks like one of the missing colonists." Miranda pointed toward a nearby pod containing a small woman. She was young, maybe a little younger than herself, Gwen noticed. Were they asleep in there? Can she hear us? Does she know where she's at even? Gwen studied the girl and ran her gloved fingers over the window-like casing. The girl moved just enough. Is she alive? Shepard moved to tap on the case when Garrus grabbed her shoulder.

"Shepard." He motioned to more pods to the right of her.

"There's more." Grunt added, gravely. Rupert. Kelly. Kenneth. Gabby. Chakwas- everyone was here. Gwen felt a sense of relief that was shattered as she noticed the colonist begin to stir. Her eyes were wide and laced with panic, her mouth open in fear. Shepard's heart sank.

"My God….she's still alive!" Shepard searched the pod for something-anything- that looked like it would trigger an opening. The girl was pounding on the window, her panicked screamed muffled. I will get you out of this. Just hold on. Just hold on. Gwen glanced up the girl and became horrified at the sight that greeted her. The girl's skin was deteriorating quickly. Bits and pieces were just…gone. NO. The girl was clawing at the pod, her muffled screams ringing in Shepard's ear. The blackness that had taken over the girl consumed her and she slowly sank within the pod. Gwen immediately looked over at her crew resting in their own pods. They would need to act fast.

"GET THEM OUT OF THERE! HURRY!" No sooner did the command leave Shepard's lips that everyone immediately began working to open each pod. Jack pounded away on Rupert's pod with her rifle, each blow landing harder than the last. Samara was searching Kelly's pod for some kind of release mechanism.

"Here!" Jack's voice was frantic as Rupert's pod broke open and Shepard leapt forward to catch him. Gwen gave Jack a quick nod before the girl ran off to go help with another crew member. Samara had opened Kelly's pod and Shepard watched the small frame of the young girl slump to the floor.

"I've got this, Shepard, go ahead." Samara motioned to the remaining crew members. Garrus and Jacob were working on Chakwas's pod while Grunt and Thane worked on another. Miranda and Kasumi were working on another and just beyond that Jack and Zaeed were pounding on another. Shepard approached as Garrus had peeled off the opening to Chakwas's pod and she slumped out. Shepard moved quickly, catching her frail body.

"Dr. Chakwas, are you okay?" She laid the woman on the hard ground and looked over at Mordin. He quickly ran vitals and gave a brief nod, before moving on to the next. She would be okay. She'll be okay.

Everyone was moving quickly from pod to pod, checking on everyone. Hugging. Chattering. Mordin was checking each person, running vitals and even Legion was assisting him. Everyone was one cohesive machine, moving together like an extended limb. As Kelly wobbled to a standing position, Samara assisted in bringing her to her feet. Groaning, Chakwas attempted to sit up and Shepard bent down to help.

"Shepard…you…you came for us," She murmured wearily. Gwen's heart twisted as she reached for Chakwas's hand.

"No one gets left behind." She smiled and pulled her friend to her feet as her crew surrounded her.

"Thank God you got here in time. A few more seconds and…I don't even want to think about." Kelly shuddered.

"The colonists were…" Dr. Chakwas searched for the words, "processed. Those swarms of little robots there…they melted their bodies into gray liquid and pumped them in through these tubes." Shepard's eyes followed the metal tubing that was attached to the ceiling.

"Why are they doing this? What are they doing with our genetic material?" The words spilled out before Shepard stop them.

"I don't know. I'm just glad you got here before it happened to us." Dr. Chakwas breathed a sigh of relief that Shepard mirrored.

"So are we. But we still have a job to do," Miranda interjected. "We've done well so far. Let's hope we can finish the job." Right. Collectors. Gwen readied her comms.

"Joker, can you get a fix on our position?"

"Roger that, Commander. All those tubes lead into the main control room right above you. The room is blocked by a security door but there's another chamber that runs parallel to the one you're in."

"I cannot recommend that. Thermal emissions suggest that the chamber is overrun with Seeker swarms. Mordin's counter-measure cannot protect you against so many at once." EDI noted. Gwen looked at her crew standing around her and bit her lip. Samara was looking straight at her, an eyebrow raised. The idea flickered to life in her mind.

"What about biotics? Could we create a biotic field to keep them from getting near us?" Shepard glanced back at Jack and Samara, hoping one of them would run with her hope on a whim. In the end it was Samara who had a glint of fire behind her eyes and spoke up.

"Yes. I think it may be possible. I wouldn't be able to protect everyone, but we might be able to get a small team through if they stayed close."

"I could do it too," Miranda offered. "In theory…any biotic could handle it. Shepard, who do you want to maintain the field?" Gwen glanced at her crew, each one awaiting instruction. The plan was already unfolding in her mind and she was relaying the information before the thought had finished.

"Samara and I will lead a small team through the Seeker swarms. The rest of you provide a diversion by going through the main passage. We'll open the security doors from the other side and meet you there." Shepard could already see Miranda's wheels turning.

"Who should lead the diversion team?" Her arms were crossed expectantly. Oh for fucks sake, Miranda. I'll bite again.

"Go ahead, Miranda." She sighed. Miranda gave a curt nod and even smiled.

"I'll keep the defenders busy while you slip in the back."

"What about me and the rest of the crew, Shepard? We're in no shape to fight." Dr. Chakwas was quiet. Shepard had almost forgotten the Normandy's crew were sitting all around her. Before she could ask Joker about the Normandy, he interrupted,

"Commander? We have enough systems back online to do a pick-up, but we'd need to land back from your position."

"We can't afford to go back, Shepard," Miranda snapped. Gwen held a hand up in attempt to calm the storm.

"You'll never make it without help. I'll send someone with you," She glanced at the line of crewmembers once more. "Mordin? Would you mind escorting them to the LZ and getting them patched up?" He gave a nod and motioned to his comms.

"Joker- need location of landing zone. We'll meet you there." Shepard offered a smile at him. She knew he'd be fine.

"Alright. Garrus and Kasumi- you'll be with me and Samara. We've all got our assignments. Let's move out."

The groups started to murmur amongst each other, shaking hands- some even hugging- and Gwen couldn't help but feel like this was it.

"Shepard?" Dr. Chakwas approached her and reached out for her arm.

"You okay, Dr.?" Concern laced Gwen's voice. Dr. Chakwas's mouth formed a thin line.

"Just…be safe, dear." Her voice was small. A smile formed on Gwen's lips as she grabbed Dr. Chakwas's hand and squeezed it. Each time someone said those words to her, it felt like they were giving her a challenge. The smile spread throughout Gwen's body as she gave Dr. Chakwas a brief hug.

"Aren't I always, though?"


End file.
